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Meet Pastor Kevin Swanson

In Fall 2015, in order to court evangelicals in Iowa, three Republican presidential candidates went so far as to share a stage and even shake hands with a hardcore anti-gays pastor who, just like America’s number-one enemy, ISIS, believes that gay people deserve to be killed.

Bobby Jindal, Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee all had plenty of time to abandon the National Religious Liberties Conference in Des Moines on Nov. 6 when they heard Pastor Kevin Swanson explicitly condone the execution of freedom-loving Americans for being unafraid to be who they are. Yet, none of the pro-death-penalty-for-gays, Constitution-touting, “family values” candidates fled in embarrassment, essentially putting the GOP stamp of approval on the whole unAmerican, schizophrenic hate fest.

However, unlike ISIS, which controls a tiny swath of land where freedom doesn't exist and brutality is the norm, "pro-life" Swanson thinks murdering our gay brothers and sisters as some sort of religious punishment is something we should be doing here in the United States. What he is proposing is common practice in ISIS-controlled areas; throwing people who are even suspected of being gay off of rooftops is their preferred religious murder method.

Ironic as Swanson has no doubt also warned about the threat of Sharia Law in America, despite obviously agreeing with at least one grisly aspect of it. Also ironic that he was hosting a religious liberties conference that, apart from borrowing from fundamentalist Islam, focuses solely on the proliferation of extremist Christian ideology and all the perceived attacks Christians are subjected to.

For instance, these rubes are convinced the expression "Merry Christmas" has been outlawed in the United States. The conference literally had nothing to do with religious liberties, and certainly not freedom generally.

Swanson whined about “the sin of homosexuality,” using the Bible to bolster his paranoid rantings and to justify his medieval blood lust.

“In Romans, chapter one, Paul affirms that this particular sin is worthy of death,” Swanson said.

In the United States of America. In 2015.

But who are these gay people anyway? For everyone in Des Moines who was confused about that—and I’m sure there were plenty—Swanson filled them in.

"These are the people with the sores!” Swanson shouted. “The gaping sores! The sores that are puss-y and and people are coming in and carving happy faces on the sores! That’s not a nice thing to do! Don’t you carve happy faces on open, puss-y sores—don’t you ever do that! Don’t you ever do that. I tell you don’t do it!” a sweaty Swanson yelled before whispering ominously, “I tell you don’t do it.”

The problem, Swanson explained in apparent agony, is that normal "Christian families, pastors’ families, elders’ families from good, godly churches, whose sons are rebelling, hanging out with homosexuals and getting married, and the parents are invited.”

Gasp! So many things! Rebelling?? I know, I’ll fuck that cute guy from school, that’ll really show my dad—what an asshole! Hahaha.

"What would you do if that was the case?” Swanson continued with his goofy gay wedding invitation rebellion hypothetical.

“Here is what I would do: sackcloth and ashes at the entrance to the church and I’d sit in cow manure, and I’d spread it all over my body."

If you’re as confused as me by that, Pastor Swanson is saying he would go to a gay wedding dressed in cow shit to show his disapproval.

Sackcloth (burlap) and ashes were apparently used in Old Testament times as a symbol of repentance, among other things. To show your repentant heart, you’d wear (uncomfortable) sackcloth, sit in ashes, and put ashes on your head. The ashes, of course, signified desolation and ruin.

Such a symbol made your change of heart visible and demonstrated the sincerity of your repentance. Or so I've learned via Google.

The humility demonstrated with that ridiculous action, of course, “moved God to intervene."

But why the cow manure? I assume manure being even less pleasant to wear than ashes would be Swanson’s best symbol of repentance for what he obviously perceives as the ultimate sin.

Although I don’t understand why he would have to play with poop if his son were gay. Seems like the son would be the one on the hook for a poop party, not dad, but what do I know, I’m very new to all this spreading of shit all over our bodies to entice God’s gay intervention.

"That’s what I would do,” Swanson insisted. “And I’m not kidding, I’m not laughing. I’m grieving! I’m mourning! I’m pointing out the problem! It’s not a gay time!”

You really have to see the video to appreciate this man's deranged desperation. Swanson’s performance is quite something. Like watching a demented legless man trying like hell to put shoes on.

"Sackcloth and ashes. This is what America needs,” Swanson blurts into the microphone. “America needs to hear the message. We are messed up.”

To understand this kind of hateful, paranoid, narrow worldview, consider that Swanson is a major proponent of homeschooling.

Why? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. Because public schools are breeding grounds for “homosexual indoctrination,” of course. From public school it’s a direct route to homosexuality, which, as we all know, leads to pedophilia. And then your dad has to wear a turd hat, it's a whole thing.

To be safe, keep your kids at home and Bible-brainwashed if you don’t want them to be gay transgender pedophiles or encounter any gays, pedophiles or liberal gay school teachers! Or Girl Scouts! They are everywhere; NEVER buy their cookies under ANY circumstances!!

Likewise, don’t let your girls join the Girl Scouts! They promote feminism and turn girls into lesbians who become transgender pedophiles. The few who resist later have abortions provided by—you guessed it—Planned Parenthood! PP then harvests the baby organs for Lucifer.

I'm not making any of this up. This is the condensed version for your convenience.

As for the puss-y sores, I can only assume that’s some kind of reference to AIDS. I’m not sure what to make of the smiley face sore carvings, although they do sound, you know, gross.

Regarding Swanson’s obsession with homosexuality, the lady doth protest too much, me thinks. More to the point, there's no way this guy doesn't suck dicks. That being said, I can agree with him on at least one thing: Some of us are indeed “messed up."

This nutty Swanson guy introduced Cruz by stating that Jesus Christ "is king of the President of the United States, whether he will admit it or not, and that president should submit to His rule and to His law," before asking Cruz to share his opinion on how important it is for "the President of the United States to fear God."

Hey I don't know about you guys, but I, for one, am scared.

Trump went on to win the presidency—with the help of Russia, rubes and Facebook—and gave cabinet positions to God-fearing lunatics. Vice president elect Mike Pence has suggested conversion therapy for gays and signed a 2013 bill trying to jail same-sex couples for seeking marriage licenses in Indiana.

On the contrary, in his book The Name of God is Mercy, Pope Francis cites “the Catechism of the Catholic Church where it says that these people should be treated with delicacy and not be marginalized,” adding "people should not be defined only by their sexual tendencies: let us not forget that God loves all his creatures and we are destined to receive his infinite love.”

As for Huckabee, it was rumored that Trump had picked him to be ambassador to Israel, which I thought sounded about right considering everyone involved and the overall craziness, but he announced on Fri., Nov. 18 on "The O'Reilly Factor" that Trump had offered him a cabinet position that he declined because it wasn't "the right fit."

Presumably, the job wasn't Overweight Scrote Gobbler because that would be a perfect fit.

To conclude, if you call yourself pro-life while supporting the bombing of a heavily populated civilian area and killing scores of innocent children; the death penalty; turning away refugees—especially children; the murders of abortion providers; the killing of unarmed civilians by U.S. police, etc., kindly shove it up your asshole.

ISIS has been called a Death Cult. So are many pro-lifers. So spare us the fake outrage.

Abortion is a complicated subject, but people mainly have sex for pleasure, not procreation. And shit happens. And the alternative is fucking creepy and medieval.

The alternative to legal abortion is a Religious State where pregnant women are registered and monitored and forced to give birth no matter the baby's health, it's threat to mom's health, or even if it's the result of a rape attack.

Like a creepy science fiction story, or Nazi Germany, The State controls your baby and your health, your decisions, your future—not you.

All to serve some goofy God, which everyone in America would be forced to pretend to believe in.

Not what the Founding Fathers envisioned. The exact opposite, in fact. An embarrassment.

It would be like Jonestown or North Korea. Total paranoia; neighbors ratting each other out to the authorities.

From there it's a slippery slope to mandatory prayer services and religious clothing police wandering the streets, harassing and attacking women.

And that kind of society might make these right-wing loony-tune zealots happy, or even give them a Jesus boner, but that ain't Freedom. That's not America.

So even if you hate abortion, you'd have to be insane not to hate the alternative more (and I don't doubt for a second that you are).

Not to mention, abortions would still be performed but by amateurs. There would be infections and even more death because the moms would die too.

And although you may believe they deserve their one-way expedited ticket to Hell, well, that contradicts your whole pro-life thing, doesn't it.

Tell us more about how much you value freedom and how freedom isn't free, and don't tread on me and all that nonsense.

In reality, YOU oppose and indeed threaten hard-fought American freedom. Real freedom. YOU are the problem.

Here'e the video of Pastor Swanson, you really gotta see this guy.

I also recommend the remix. Enjoy!